One of the roles of a coach is to help leaders determine what they need to focus on and what they need to quit doing. In these cases, we’re usually talking about activities to add or remove from our lives but it’s also important to consider what we need to let go of mentally. These beliefs and assumptions can serve as chains that hold us back from doing our best work. I think it’s time for congregational leaders to stop caring about . . .
1) What other people think of us (Do you want to be liked or make a difference?)
2) What other people want for you (Don’t waste your time living someone else’s life!)
3) What other people have (Quit comparing yourself to others.)
4) Trying to be perfect (Avoid getting carried away by perfectionism.)
5) Being right (Quit defending your positions; spend time seeking to understand.)
6) Trying to control things (Don’t worry about things you can’t control!)
By finding ways to quit caring about the things that aren’t important, we’ll have more time to care about the things that do matter. So, what do you need to quit caring about?
This one is easy, I need to stop concerning myself with how things have been done in the past and do things as I see they need to be done now. I find myself bumping into this constantly and really kick myself for not making the changes that need to be made sooner. For the record, being perfect has never been a problem for me, I have always embraced improvement without laboring over the small stuff that seems to not really matter anyway.
My biggest thing that I want to control, which I seriously have no control over, is I want everyone who walks through the door to accept Jesus as their Savior. Not that I’m in your face about it or even show on the outside frustrations or disappointments when I see others that don’t get it but on the inside i’m anxious about it. And the funniest part about it all is that GOD DOES THE CHANGING. It is all the Holy Spirit! All I can do is the job He’s called me to do and let of the rest!
God is soooo good and He loves these students waayyyy more than I do. He wants a relationship more than I want them to have it. He’s got it. He can work through everything that might stand in the way!
I think I also have to let go of doing the small details that consume my time becuase I’m doing those things instead of building relationships with my students. SO I’m meeting with a woman to brainstorm idead so I can do less details and more relationship building and I’m SO excited! Keep it up everyone!
Let Go and Let God because whose hands is it better in? And he’s got it anyways whether we let go or not!
As for me, I need to quit caring about what other youth ministers have, what other youth groups have, or how we did things when I’ve worked with youth at other congregations. I need to shift my focus and bring only those ideas/activities/concepts that worked with me while letting the other stuff go.
Regarding Jim’s comment of not caring about being perfect (#4), I feel a distinction needs to be made between “perfect” and “perfection.” I’m not a perfectionist, but I do care about and feel called to be perfect (Matthew 5:43-48). Naturally, it’s a challenging path to walk.
“The Language of Letting Go” is a book by Melodie Beattie that talks about ALL the things we hang on to that trip us up. My copy of that book is about worn out because I am SO good at hanging on to everything and need to be reminded often that I have to let go. I’m a perfectionist and have a vision for what COULD happen in the parish with the exciting ideas that come from excellent resources such as Vibrant Faith Ministries. Unfortunately, I can’t do everything I want to in the parish in a perfect or even excellent way. So I have to pick and choose, deciding what to put my limited time and energy into and what I need to either let go of, or find someone who gets as excited as I do about the ministry. Ufta!
I need to be patient with the baby steps and let go of wanting to see the vision I have for the people in the parish happen NOW. But it’s a bit like birthing a baby . . . when the labor pains begin you’re ready to have it happen. BUT good things happen to those who must wait until the time is right! lol
God’s timing is perfect ~ the only perfect One I can count on!
I have a big problem of being a people pleaser! And after awhile I start to resent the fact that I feel like I’m always the one who does and says things to make people comfortable and happy. It’s hard to juggle both the secretary job and the youth director job at church. I have people on Sunday aksing me to do secretary work when I am trying to do youth work. AHHHHH! So what is it that I have to let go of? I need to start by realizing that it is not always my job to make people comfortable. I need to do the job that God has set before me, and sometimes that is going to make people uncomfortable…..and that’s ok.
Hi Geri, You make a good point when you wrote ” I need to do the job that God has set before me, and sometimes that is going to make people uncomfortable”. Someone doing God’s work has always made people uncomfortable, why do you think there is such a huge push in the secular world to take Jesus out of Christmas? Because even after 2000 years he still intimidates peaple! Fight the good fight!
I struggle with others’ expectations of me. Thought I work very hard to stay focused on our ministry priorities, I feel acutely the pressure to be the kind of minister that may have been effective in the past, but not for moving us into the future. I have to remind myself that my only job is to serve God and to be the person God has created me to be.
After an evening of sobbing in a heap on my floor, realizing I will never be “enough” for everyone, I realized that I am the only one who has that expectation of me. Others don’t stay awake nights trying to figure out how to fix the youth program, get parents involved, repair the rift between the congregation and the pastor, plan all church activities… It is unbecoming that I have become so self-important that I think I have the power to fix everything.
It is time to take a deep breath, say a prayer and realize that I can’t do it all, I can’t please everyone and, quite honestly I don’t want to. So, be silent those voices in my head and outside my office door! I will do the best I can, to the best of my abilities with the resources I have! And that will have to be good enough.
My biggest struggle right now is trying to please the right people to get the negative towards me gone. Most of the older folks in the congregation seem to have a problem with everything I am doing even though they are not a part of it or willing to help with it. I am learning which battles I need do need to fight and am getting really good at standing up for myself and the ministry that IS going on here. My goal is trying to prove them wrong but in a way that doesn’t overly stress me out or step on too many toes. Its about the youth and families and the ministry and GOD. That’s what I’m here for, not to save the church or please everyone. I just need to keep telling myself that!
Elise, I too find this difficult at times. I have to do things with the ideas of “because we’ve always done it this way” or “thats not what (previous youth directors name) has done” in mind. So those elders certainly get a ruffle here and there. I am trying to focus on the ministry at hand: the youth and young families I need to capture, rather than the negativity from the elders who dont want to be involved in programming but want to judge.
I, too, really appreciate the blogs and ability to read others comments.You really touched a topic that is close to me, one I have struggled with mightily most of this past year. Being very new to ministry staff work and my new position, my learning curve is quite steep. I can identify closely with the first two commentors. During the course of processing some really unpleasant realities of working in a congregation, devotions and studies have been a huge source strength. One that really made an impact was the Martha and Mary story of Jesus’ visit to them. When Jesus tells Mary that Martha has chosen the better part something started clearing for me. Just who was I here to serve? And, where should my focus be? Definitely,I’m here to serve our living God and to focus on our Savior, Jesus. That realization became incorporated in me and helped me give up the need to be liked by every one. I see us more now as equipers and growers of disciples in faith and know I can only do this with God’s help. I can only be the child of God that he intended, and now I’m much more comfortable with that!
I am a “fixer”. A “people pleaser”. We are in such transition with staff right now, and with a 1st seat leader who avoids conflict, I get caught up in trying to make sure nothing falls between the cracks. I need to let go of trying to fix everything. I can’t change the church as a whole, because I don’t have that authority. I can, however, work on my circles of influence. In the meantime, as I work with them, I need to let go of caring so much about whether things that are out of my control get done or not. I love this post, because I need to face this. I can say it, and say it, and say it, but I don’t think I am even close to being there. I don’t want people to be angry that things were dropped, I love this church, and the people, but I can’t carry everything on my shoulders. I need to remember that I can still let go of the things that are dropped, and still love and care for the people.
Jim, I love this post and resonate with it in a big way. I can see these things trippign me up at one time or another. At a time when people’s anxiety is up over the changing church and economy it is easy to want to control and have things the way they were. (If only we did things this way, then people would come in throngs….for good or for ill, the way things were aren’t and willl never be the way things are.) This raises my anxiety at times and ends up being a cycle. I like how you juxtapose what to care about and what to stop caring about. It is helpful (albeit counter-intuitive at times.) So, what do I need to stop caring about? I want to stop trying to control the outcome (and deluding myself into thinking I can!) and living more fully into trusting our amazing, faithful God!
I think that I have struggled with “being perfect”. I personally do not strive for perfection as my belief is that perfection cannot be obtained. I do strive for my personal best at everything I can do and challenge myself to do better. However, I have to fulfill this role in the church that has been placed as “it has to be done the way it has always been done and in a perfect manner” or that “she knows everything”. I have quite a few people that point out each tiny flaw or mistake in any program or task I do and never have a positive to say.
Right now the biggest thing is our slide presentations. I am NOT very technically inclined. I am NOT the secretary. It is time consuming and difficult to remember choir schedules months in advance, each change to the service, and new special service requirements when I have never even done these services. So if I miss a slide, or heaven forbid if a student running the slides skips over a slide, I do not hear the end of it. I spend way more time than I should on the slides each week. The pastors checks them, and guess what; they still are not perfect every week come show time. I’m human and flawed and not perfect at things I do.
I need to let go of wishing others would see these things as mistakes and learning curves not huge negative imperfections